Traditionally, if you wanted to buy someone one buttplug per month for a year, you had to make twelve monthly trips to an adult mart by the side of the highway. Makes you feel kind of sleazy, doesn’t it? ButtPlugoftheMonth.com recognized that need, and they filled it.
Now, just one online purchase buys your gift recipient (or yourself – we won’t tell!) twelve months of good, wholesome fun.
Somewhere in a wood-paneled ’70s holdover ranch house in Burbank, retired porn-stars-turned-marketing-executives slicked back their mullets, checked their acrylic nails, and buckled down to work on the advertising text for the Senso Cock Pleaser:
This super stretchy cock pleaser is better than the real thing! Just spread her legs and ravage her tight, soft pussy!
The Senso Cock Pleaser is, it seems, sister to the Butt Banger, both of them stretchy, miniature, decapitated love dolls.
“Better than the real thing?” By that, I wonder, is it meant that having sex with the Senso Cock Pleaser is superior to sex with a full-size, living woman, or that sex with the Senso Cock Pleaser is superior to having sex with a life-and-blood stretchy, miniature, decapitated Tinkerbell?
I must agree, however, with the claim that this product offers a “tight pussy” — in fact, I’d say that, as this product is a penis-sized facsimile woman, that, in fact, her entire torso is “tight.”
Note from the photo that the tiny woman is not only headless, but also:
– pigeon-toed
– possessed of an enormously thick neck
Hott! I must admit that “having a neck thick enough to stretch around the penis of a man over 100 times one’s own size” is not a feature most live women offer.
For the first time here on SarcasticSex.com, I am reviewing a gay male-themed toy, gifted with the stereotype-defying name “Butt Banger.”
When I first beheld this object I had a hard time parsing its anatomy, which is never a good sign with a sex toy. For a handheld device, the orifice seems precariously tiny, which, if your $26.75 is supposed to get you multiple uses of the Butt Banger, likely indicates that the entire thing is very stretchy. Could be good, though; perhaps other portable anuses simply aren’t elastic enough.
No no, the perplexing thing about the Butt Banger is that, when rendered as a handheld masturbation sleeve, the torso, buttocks, and thighs of a man bent over for rear entry look rather like a giant cock and balls, with the torso being the shaft and the buttocks being the balls and … it’s like a giant fractal! Like snowflakes and snail shells, portable anal masturbators are truly part of the wondrous web of nature’s majesty. In fact, I might go so far as to say that the Butt Banger is proof of intelligent design! Who but a crafty god could have had a hand in this?
As in the case of the Titty Blow Masturbator, in which the breasts have been scaled down in order to be conveniently affixed to the lower chin, the Butt Banger features a scaled-up set of “teasing balls and penis for incredible stimulation,” bent backwards from the tiny headless body so as to rub you the right way.
So, if you fantacize about having anal intercourse with a Lilliputian, removing his internal organs and replacing them with lube, and then filling up his entire headless body with your penis, this toy is for you!
The ambiguously-named Cyberskin 3″ Penis Extension causes me, first off, to wonder whether the ware on offer is a three-inch extension for a penis, or an extension for a three-inch penis. Either way, ponder this:
This delightfully stretchy penis extension is made of CyberSkin, so you don’t have to worry about sacrificing the look and feel of a real penis in order to make the most of the man you have! 3″ may not sound like a lot, but it’s definitely enough to make a big difference in how satisfying penetration feels. Best of all, the comfortable, skin-like material won’t irritate him, so he’ll be happy to wear this sensual sleeve for as long as you want! Don’t be disappointed in your man’s member any longer — slip on the CyberSkin and have some fun!
I’ll take it from the top:
- “Delightfully stretchy”? Nothing delightful about a stretchy penis, synthetic or organic, extended or “classic.”
- “3″ may not sound like a lot”? Er … have you gotten the average vagina confused with a federal highway system?
- “Best of all, the comfortable, skin-like material won’t irritate him” — well, physically, anyway. Well, except for the part about losing all sensation in the head of his penis. But I doubt he’d even notice with all the effort he now has to expend to maintain an erection while nursing a psyche now shattered like dollar-store peanut brittle. Anyone have a lifelike “ego extension” for sale?
- “…he’ll be happy to wear this sensual sleeve for as long as you want!” — Such as in line at the DMV? While crying?
While my job here is to mock erotic novelties that look especially ungratifying, I must say that the 8″ Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball does look like a person might receive her money’s worth; sure, it’s $73.25, but it’s really quite a lot of sex toy.
That being said, the 8″ Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball is clearly a replica of a common child’s toy (sold here at Amazon as the “Ball Bounce & Sport Fun Hopper”) that has, as Joshua Grosvent so eloquently put it, “gone sprung a dick.”
I read a joke today that prompted me to go review an S&M product for you:
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
“What’s wrong, dearest?” asked the confused husband.
“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a sadomasochistic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?”
“Well,” replied the man… “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”
Mmn-hmmn. And if you’re looking for some good, wholesome S&M, why not try the inflatable bondage chair?
You will be bound to please your partner with this versatile Inflatable Bondage chair. Made of soft and comfortable materials, this chair is like sitting on cloud. The wrist and ankle restraints are padded to be comfortable for those naughty little encounters. The Velcro straps are adjustable to fit most sizes. Always use caution with restraint devices.
Because nothing says sexy like “K-Mart dorm furniture that requires a bicycle pump.”
In what way is this chair “versatile”? You can strap someone into it in a normal sitting position. If you tried to put the person into some other position (rump up?) the chair would probably tip over. It needs a counterweight. This chair seems patently incompatible with heavy S&M, acupuncture, knife play, particularly pointy high heels, and that fun thing where one of you dresses up like a Transformer.
Also, regarding the picture on the box — if you strap a woman into a chair before removing her one-piece leotard, you are too stupid to fuck.
“It’s Bound to Please!” Oh, ha.
Editor’s Note: I don’t normally do this, especially since this submission is intended to be serious, but today I received a guest review from a dolphin, and I felt the issues addressed were important enough to post this review of the Dolphin Erection Arouser.
Dear Editor,
I know you write a humor site, and it’s not that I take issue with comedy — but I have a serious issue with this so-called Dolphin Erection Arouser.
In my photo, it might look like I’m smiling, but I’m not. That’s just what dolphins look like. Dolphins are not only supposed to have great big “smiles”, they are supposed to have great big “erections.” The lady dolphins, I daresay, have become accustomed to it.
And I’m not smiling because 1) I’m not fucking Shamu, and 2) I have Erectile Dysfunction.
So, imagine my delight when, after clicking on a link to my favorite comedienne’s sex toy store, I discovered the Dolphin Erection Arouser.
But, oh, wait. “Made of jelly material, this ring is stretchy to fit all sizes. The small jelly animal tickles your clit.”
“Jelly material” — sure, fine. As a lonely single dolphin … from time to time, I’ve been known to pummel a jellyfish.
“Stretchy to fit all sizes” — really, now? I am a dolphin. Is your product prepared for a two-foot-long limp dolphin cock, you goddamn false-advertising Swedes?
“The small jelly animal tickles your clit” — I HATE YOU. I DON’T HAVE A CLIT. I AM A MALE DOLPHIN TRYING TO ACHIEVE A FUCKING ERECTION AND YOU ARE NOT HELPING!
I HATE YOU. NO, I MEAN, I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU SPECIESIST SWEDISH SEX-TOY CUNTS. I’D FUCKING RAPE YOU UNDERWATER IF I COULD GET A GODDAMN ERECTION!
Sincerely,
A Dolphin
The Nipple/Testicle Teaser w/Proof promises to tease two parts of the body of entirely disparate size and function. Can one, single-sized adult toy satisfy both comparatively small nipples and comparatively large testicles? It would be as if “Pipe Dreams,” the manufacturer of the Nipple/Testicle Teaser, began marketing “Never Say Neighhhh! The dildo you can share with your horse!”
No. Just no.
The package text of this product suggests “Try it in the shower, bath, or spa!” Calls to top spas failed to return calls regarding official rules on bringing a Nipple/Testicle Teaser into the steamroom.
The package also proclaims “Feels so warm & soft you’ll think it’s real.” Think it’s a real what? A live, organic, human-flesh Nipple/Testicle teaser birthed from its mother’s suction cup, the way God intended?
And … “with proof”? With proof of what? Get that suction tube off your balls. It’s affecting your brain.
It appears that the Reckless Rabbit is a shoehorn-shaped vibrator with a hole in it for a penis.
That is, if you find intercourse to be incomplete without a power cord winding out from your and your partner’s fused genitals, you may wish to purchase this product for the economical price of $12.75.
This product is also recommended by physicians for people whose genitals lack the natural ability to make distractingly loud buzzing noises during sex.
The product description reads:
You AND your partner will rave about the Reckless Rabbit because it is made to be shared! This uniquely designed, multi-speed vibrator will enchance your erotic interludes. It is quite versatile because simply by changing the direction of its placement on his cock, the naughty nodule and rambunctious rabbit can provide clitoral, testicular and/or anal stimulation. Take turns adjusting the hand held control to send a pulsating surprise to your partner’s privates!
Unfortunately, it seems that the penile entryway is one-size-fits-all, meaning either that the whole thing is going to slide around like a motherfucker, or else you run the slight but serious risk of getting it stuck at the base of someone’s penis, creating a vibrating cockring deathtrap.*
Doesn’t “Reckless Rabbit” sound more like a character from a moralistic children’s book than a sex toy? Perhaps the Reckless Rabbit could make his way into your panoply of bedroom tools along with his brethren the Usurious Tortoise, the Miserly Koala, and the Misanthropic Tree Squirrel.
Also, I wish people would say “naughty nodule” more often. I like to imagine that computer scientists say things like that when they have phone sex.
*Every year, a small but embarrassed number of men lose their penises in cockring accidents. Always use a snap-on!
The Crystal Clear Doll is in inflatable woman with a flesh-toned head but a transparent body — all the better to see your own penis in action! I must admit that most regular women chronically get their own naked bodies in the way of this (undoubtedly breathtaking) view.
I’d like to go through the doll’s promotional blurb line-by-line:
If it’s true that men are more susceptible to visual arousal than women, he’ll love Crystal.
Don’t you mean “If it’s true that men are more susceptible to being visually aroused by the sight of their own penises”?
She’s our amazing see-through sex doll…
Well, technologically speaking, she’s not that amazing. No more so than when you buy some rain boots or a new gun from Wal-Mart and you blow the bag up, draw a kissy-face on it with Magic Marker, and hump that shiznit. Yes, amazing!
…complete with three ready and willing holes.
I think all love dolls these days come with three holes. While some people are offended by the sexual use of one or more of the three referenced orifices, those people are not generally among the consumers of inflatable love dolls. I think the overlap in that Venn Diagram would be virtually nil. (“I want a love doll, but not a dirty whore love doll! Why don’t you make single-orifice love dolls with their eyes shut so they can think about God? I’m writing to my Congressman, you pervert three-holed, open-eyed, whore-love-doll manufacturers!”)
Enjoy her beautifully painted hair and face…
Because enjoying a doll’s beautifully painted hair and face is very heterosexual. Do you also “enjoy” the frilly petticoats on the porcelain Mary, Queen of Scots doll you ordered from a full-page ad in Parade magazine?
…then watch the rest of the action as you see your cock pump in and out of her body.
Oh, I get it … that’s the heterosexual part.
It’s crystal clear that this doll will give you hours of sensual pleasure.
At least that’s better copywriting than the Titty Blow Masturbator got.
